Ever since I was young, perhaps late elementary-school age, I have felt like I didn’t really fit into conventional Christianity. But of course, within the realms of the Christian religions, thinking such a thing is absolutely unheard of, and definitely against the rules. I tried to force myself to fit into it in different ways – changing the music I listened to, the games I played, getting rid of the T.V. in my room…you know, all the stuff that your freshly converted friends say you have to do. None of it ever worked, or even remotely felt right.
So I gave up, for a while anyway. I started to get a huge anger and resentment for any and all christianity, and even the mention of Jesus or the Bible made my skin crawl. During sermons I would get up and leave, using my ADHD as an excuse to my parents – telling them it was because I “couldn’t sit still for that long”. And I continued to feel that way up until very recently.
Now, I’ve gotten to a point where I look back and realize that my anger towards Christianity was unfounded and immature. I was using my own, personal experience and not taking into account all of the people that have been deeply helped by the Christian religions. It wasn’t any fault of Christianity, its’ just that it doesn’t fit me.
I remember being in High-school and knowing this, on some level. My mind was always drawn to the thoughts, ideas, songs, and beliefs of my Irish and Nordic ancestors. I gain most tranquility in nature, when the wind combs through the tree’s branches and a hawk soars slowly overhead. When wind chimes dance in the cool air and water trickles over rocks, that’s when I feel the most spiritual. Whatever it/he/she/they is or are, that’s when I feel the most connected.
Some would say, “Well, that’s [the christian] God, moving through his creation”. Well, that could very well be true, I’m not saying he doesn’t exist. I seem to be moving, in some sort of subconsiouss and inadvertant way, towards some sort of wierd New Age/Pagan way of thinking. The spirit (or spirits) of the earth, the need for connectedness with the earth, the sky, the water, and the air – it all seems pretty legit. I believe in a creator. The world is too complex for it to have just “happened”. But who that creator is, and whether or not that creator is who we have forced him/her to be, I don’t know.
I worry that some people, Christians mainly, will read this and immediately try to ‘convert’ or ’save’ me. Please, I ask, don’t do this. It isn’t that I am in any way against Christianity – I think that it can be a wonderful vehicle of hope and joy to people who need it – but I don’t want any outside beliefs, whether Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Pagan, or otherwise, influencing the journey that I am on. It is something I have to figure out and discover on my own – I mean, how can I have faith in any belief without first assuring that I can think, and feel, and discover, and choose?
I’m not afraid of what I will find. In fact, I am truley enjoying my walk along this road.
