Tales along this road…

I’m having trouble viewing NAU as a new beginning. Each time I set up a goal for the summer I just remember that I’m going back to school in six-or-so weeks and that I’ll just have to start over. I want to exercise more but I almost feel like, “What’s the point if I’m going to go back to school, become a slave to studies, and get fat again”? I want to practice my sword fighting but I feel like I won’t have time when I get up to flagstaff, and so all my progress will be lost.

I don’t want to go to college. Ever since the end of first quarter at PUC I have known that. But, I really don’t have much of a choice. So I’ll do what I did for the last part of last year and just try to make the best of it. At least NAU is a HUGE step up from PUC.

I think the main reason why I have trouble with the Idea of growing up is because of how the U.S. makes growing up have to be. Its almost like you can’t have fun anymore, all your childhood dreams are less than likely to come true, you have to bear down and grit your teeth through the daily torture of adulthood. And then other adults, when they hear you talk about it, chuckle and say “hohoho, get used to it, kid!”

thanks.

I don’t mind having responsibilities. I’d be happy to have a job and a household. I understand that childishness has to be put aside to be able to get things done on your own as an independent individual. I like all of these things about growing up. But why does all of that have to come with the nagging feeling in the back of my head that I am somehow throwing my life away? That I’m missing out on what My life really could be? That I am always one inch out of reach of what makes everybody else so goddamn happy?

Some part of me is aching to break free and develop through a fiery squall of self-discovery…
but I don’t know what that part is.

I don’t know.

If I could just figure out who I really was……..

wasn’t I supposed to go through all of this when I was seventeen?