Tales along this road…

No fun for Marko.

I had an Idea that we could go see the new Batman movie.

Well, my dad didn’t want to leave my mom all by herself, thought it was kinda mean to leave her out of the fun (she doesn’t want to see it). so now, my mom and sister are having a girls night out by themselves and my dad is playing guitar in his study.

lame dude. lame.

So, for the past three or so days I have been kind of wondering if, as far s paganism goes, I was moving in the wrong direction. Well……yeah.

I don’t know.
all the magical stuff I read sounds so fishy. like what I was telling you about from that book. and, every time I would go down a road I would find myself trying to force myself to believe what was on it. I really don’t think you should have to force yourself to believe something. So, as far as the traditional form of paganism is concerned….I think it’s not for me. What I wrote in my last blog, about divination – still seems valid but the more I think about it the more I wonder “well, if it really is just psychology then, how much more of it is just science.”

Man, I must sound really wishy-washy right now. And to be honest, I feel a bit wishy washy as it is. I mean, I truly felt it earlier tonight when I told you I felt so much purpose and meaning but then later when I laid down to sleep I just became washed over with doubt.

I tossed a lot of my old stuff – the altar tools and such.

I still hold a lot of the prinicpals of paganism…. the desire for a oneness with nature, respect for the earth, and such. But the ideas of gods, goddesses, and magic just don’t stick with me. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe in those things.

Maybe there is a spirit of nature, a literal spirit. I don’t know.

Man, I just feel like I have lost so much ground.

I want from 100% confident to massivley doubtful.

*sigh*

Plus my dad started to catch on. I could tell he was worried. So, a bit earlier I brought him into my room and explained that I had been curious about it, wanted it to be real, but just couldn’t believe in it.

Bah.

I was glad to ease his worry but for some reason it made mee feel like I had somehow failed myself. Was I lieing just to make him feel better? Part of the reason I tossed my stuff is because A) A really didn’t much believe in it and B) why keep it around if its something I don’t believe in and it could tear up my family.

but now… I’m back to the beginning. Running in circles. I love some of the principals of paganism, and it has ALWAYS enticed me but….. can I be a pagan if I don’t believe in magic (in the supernatural sense), gods and godesses, and so forth? If I just believe in oneness with the earth and respect for nature is that more New Age than Pagan? Is it really a spirituality or just some nice ideals to hold?

Well, I certainly believe in some of the principals, but, I don’t think I’m a 100% full fledged pagan.

blah. this sucks.

I threw away my pendulum that I just bought.

It did this wierd, creepy thing that made me feel really uneasy. When I was first looking at pendulums to buy, i would pick one up and of course, it would swing around from the movement of my hand and the momentum – then eventually stop. But the Jasper one I bought…. It snapped completely to center really quickly, like…I don’t know. Unnaturally so. I didn’t mention this because I was trying to just overlook it but it kept nagging at me. Then I thought, well, why keep it around if it makes me that uncomfertable.

the sucky part is that it was A) very beautiful and B) $4.25 down the drain.

you know what? Perhaps I might find all these things to be true, and if I come back to it fine. But for now, I guess i need to move a bit slower, and not end up forcing myself to believe things again.

Oh well. It really isn’t that big of a deal I guess. I’m just a bit dissapointed.

Fucking television

Fucking computer

Fucking boring same old thing every day

Fucking HOUSE

I hate how they watch TV and it takes up the whole house.

“If you don’t like it then don’t watch it”

hah.

the mindless moving pictures are the least of my problems.

ITS THE FUCKING NOISE.

to television.

All my mom and sister do is watch TV.

Sure, I have a few shows I like,
but holy cow.

I say “hey, lets do something different”
and they say “well, what else is there to do.

I’ve been forced to cut the power chord so that we would be forced to come up with ideas.

Seriously, I can’t even stand to hear it on anymore.

Sorry about how rude I was this past weekend.

Being up at PUC alone, especially Saturday, was the epitome of unchanneled mark-energy.
and I always get bitchy when that happens. course, thats not really any excuse.

and then today I literally wondered if my sister was going to have to go to the hospital, so the worry put me in a foul mood.

But we’re back!
And that’s behind me!

moving on to a fun, productive summer and a bright future.

*Taco flavor kisses for my caitlin*

just so you know -I won’t be able to have a cell phone with me until I get back. So, if you call and I don’t answer don’t worry, we didn’t crash or anything. I just don’t have my phone. I’ll call you when I can, though.

Sometimes it strikes me. I don’t know what to call it, this thing or occurance that continues to bring me back to the reality of paganism. The first time I remember it happening was when I was, perhaps, sixteen. Sitting in the backseat of the car We were driving down the road and I saw a tree. Not a vision or anything, a real tree growing out from the earth. I don’t know what it was, perhaps the twisting of the bark or the individual life force in each leaf, but I felt something. it happened again while watching a dance performance, and again when I saw the first vineyard upon  reaching Napa valley. There was a spot on the side of the road between PUC and Napa, where the trees grew in a cluster and sort of peered onto a small clearing – and I felt it there too. I felt it today as I walked and caught a glimpse into someone’s backyard through a broken fence, stones arranged upon green and shaggy grass. What happens is the breath catches in my lungs, my heart slows, and a warm feeling spreads out from my chest and into my upper torso. during the first years of this happening, I jokingly referred to it as the Faeries. When I felt it, I would think to myself, “Ah, the faeries must be there”.

But even before referring to the feeling as “the faeries”, there was another way I would have described it. It was almost as if I was seeing a glimpse into a Fantasy world, a place where I was whole. I wonder if, in the most literal of terms, I was transcending or in a state of transcendence.those brief, millisecond flashes were, and continue to be, the most spiritual occurances in my life.

The was my first experience with the “earth-centered” beliefs.

My second was at Estrella war. it was less a recognition of the beauty of nature but the oneness of humans and earth. I was with Ricky and Andy. We arrived to the medieval festival and walked until nightfall. after a while, the smell of incense and the tapping of drums made its way to me. We followed and found one of the most beautiful sights I have ever witnessed. Tall, white tents looked inward at the group of people, leaning in towards the smoke. Men and women, holding hands in a circle, danced and sang to the gypsy melodies. and in the center was the fire, a burning ball of pure spirit. I was taken, awestruck. the old, originality – just earth, wind, fire, water and spirit swirling together in this one spot. I’ll never forget it.

it was all so wonderful -
in sharing our breath I knew…
my soul was meant for another place.

Hahahjajajajajajajaja