Oh dear…
what to do, what to do.
I’m not sure really.
wondering what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling.
is it so easy for everything we had to be lost in a few months?
the beech tree,
the home front,
lazy naps on the green couch and cuddling when you’re family was in other rooms,
daring glances across camp yavapines and leaving notes at the other’s table,
eaunice and gertude,
boats and birds,
poems and songs,
hiking in the desert looking for cactus fruit and watching the sunset
making ice sculptures and eating fudge pops on the back porch,
telling eachother things that nobody else knew,
rayman and secret paths in the forest,
burying shoes in grass and rocks on the lawns at TAA,
the times that I held you while you cried, listening to what nobody else would,
old houses and religion,
trips to St. Helena and the excitement of bread and cheese,
bodega bay,
goat rock,
and the seals that popped their heads out of the water,
finding seashells on the beach,
sharing salt-water taffy,
the house boat trip,
teasing the cats and me watching you work miracles with monty,
our place,
M. Night Shyamalan movies and baking pizzas,
dancing in the kitchen at PUC,
and all of ther other wonderful stuff….
could it really die that simply? Is it really just – gone from you? Completley?
Perhaps I never really did understand you, though. That statement isn’t to imply anger, or that you were in any way dishonest – it means what it says. Is it possible that throughout the whole relationship I just misunderstood what our relationship was?
I’m sorry if I wasn’t what you wanted, or if I just couldn’t keep up with you.
I think this break thing might be a good idea though. Even though I’m afraid and sad, I think its time that you had the opportunity to really decide how you feel about us. There do, after all, come times when you have to think about yourself. Not selfishly, but you know, about your future and what makes you happy.
I do love you – at this point I don’t care if it’s bad or good to say it, its how I feel and there is no apoligizing for it. But since I do love you, I understand that you might want differant things. I really am proud of how far you’ve come as far as being a fully developed individual, and all I want is for you to be happy. I know that sounds lame, but it is very, very true. If I don’t fit in the picture of what you want for you’re life, then that’s fine. Of course, I would love almost nothing more to fit into that picture – but things don’t always work out that way. I hope that we can still be together but if not, well. . . .
In any case, I love you very much. I always will, even if your love for me has faded, dwindled, or full up and gone. You will always be special to me.
I love you.