the cool air pressed in, but softly. sitting still in the evening-stitched orchard he watched the sunlight kiss the soil to sleep, gliding its hand over the loamy flesh as a mother caresses an infant. It was in that time, when the night dons its hood and the day puts out it’s candle that he fully understood peace. the brown and black flecked sparrows weaved in and out from the low, leafy, ceiling; looking earnestly for the perfect bed to settle themselves in. slowly he sauntered through the trees, etching himself into the white and grey bark for tomorrow, he knew, that he would be gone.

Ha!

 

My sister just walked in on me gettin ready to have some “mark time”.

Luckily, I don’t think she saw anything.

 

Talk about HELLA awkward.

Yikes.

Needless to say I totally lost interest in “mark time”.

My dream last night

                I stood, looking across the bridge. Such a strange place sat at the beginning and the end of it, I couldn’t help but wonder where it came from. The moon sat full and still in the sky. With a small ember of curiosity and perhaps, hope, I stepped forward. Te cold, soft breeze against me, hugged my arms and drew tight my green wool coat. My eyes widened and with each step the place grew stranger and stranger.

                At the beginning of the dark-wooden bridge I came across soft lights, hanging down from renaissance themed theater booths. Men and women stood regal in motley attire, reciting sonnets or bestowing some old, flowery monologue. The floor of every booth was covered in soft, beige sand and the painting in the back was always that of what looked like a New England beach, but from a child’s fairy tale. What was even more curious was the crowd who leant ear to these actors. Surveying a group, I would see everything from plump, rich women – full of pomp and covered in jewels, to thin and wayward homeless men who, despite their appreciation for the arts, never quite made it through the requirements of life.  

                As I stepped further toward the bridge, I noticed one last booth. It had the same look to it as the others had, but nobody was watching the single little girl on the stage. She stood with her back pressed against the wall, far stage-left. Dressed in what one could assume were once rich, lacey garments she dutifully recited her lines, filling in for the absent actors when their parts came up. Her voice was small, almost blending in with the soft, gypsy melodies that lazily blew across from the other side of the bridge.

                I crossed the bridge. On either side, people leaned on the railing; sipping drinks, conversing in low murmurs, and regarding the night sky. Their quiet talk was not that of gossipers or schemers, but of those who are content in their temporary world, eager for nothing, and enjoy the gift of good company. When I reached the far end of the bridge I found an open spot on the left, and I peered over. The water of the vast inlet that connected to the sea past slowly underneath, and a single, black catfish swam sideways in the current. A greenish glow came up from the sandy floor and I stood, taking it all in.

                 After what felt like hours, I walked to the other side of the bridge. A small market place ran its tempting fingers through my hair, each shop front sporting some never-before-seen once-in-a-life-time thing. Finally I came across one store, and because of its beauty I entered. It had a high, dome ceiling with two beams running through it. The entirety was tiled in small, paper squares colored like old sandy cobblestone. The shop glowed with an inner light of which I couldn’t find the source.

                “May I help you today?” inquired an old, curly-haired woman. I barely regarded her.

                “Oh, no thank-you.  Tell me, how long have you worked here?”

                “Oh” she chuckled “not but three days. I heard of the work Monday, worked Tuesday, and here we are on Wednesday”. She smiled again.

                “Do you have to put the ceiling back together again every time you move the store?”

                “Really, child, I don’t know. I’ve worked here but three days. Now, is there anything I can help you with?” unsatisfied, but not at all upset I answered “No, no thank you.  I really have not interest in this….stuff.” I said, motioning to the pastel silk shirts. She walked away and I left the store.

                I found myself again at the booth where the young actress had been. It was closed down now, thick curtains, one red and the other deep purple, hid the stage from sight. I felt pity for the girl. She really wasn’t that bad at recitation and, surely it doesn’t feel good to have no one take interest in your play. I knocked on the wood frame and after a few minutes of banging and the sound of pots falling, a dirty faced old man peeked out from the left side of the curtain.

                “What you want?” he asked. His accent spoke of an old and poor district of England.

                “Well, I was hoping to congratulate your daughter on her performance. It was really quite good.”

                “Ha” the man laughed “Pretty funny, what wif me not ‘aving a daughter ‘n all.”

                “your granddaughter, then?”

                “Nah.” He turned his head over his shoulder “Oi! Bring out Broodertrude!” again, after a few minutes of crashing around, a hand produced a small, blue parrot.  I looked at the parrot, then at the man. “Broodertrude?”

                “That’s her name, ‘innit.” He said. “She never brings in any money wif ‘er plays ‘n such. You can have ‘er if you want.”

                “But, wasn’t it a young girl who gave the recital?” I asked. The old man grinned. He twiddles his fingers above the bird and made a rather wobbly whistle, and a ‘poof’. Then he whispered “magic, son.” He closed the curtain abruptly and left me listening to his hearty laughter and a parrot on my shoulder.

                “Well, Broodertrude” I said as she regarded me with curious, beady eyes “I guess well go on home.”

 

I awoke.

aw man…..

 

No fun for Marko.

I had an Idea that we could go see the new Batman movie.

Well, my dad didn’t want to leave my mom all by herself, thought it was kinda mean to leave her out of the fun (she doesn’t want to see it). so now, my mom and sister are having a girls night out by themselves and my dad is playing guitar in his study.

 

lame dude. lame.

a good day turned into a crappy night.

 

So, for the past three or so days I have been kind of wondering if, as far s paganism goes, I was moving in the wrong direction. Well……yeah.

I don’t know.
all the magical stuff I read sounds so fishy. like what I was telling you about from that book. and, every time I would go down a road I would find myself trying to force myself to believe what was on it. I really don’t think you should have to force yourself to believe something. So, as far as the traditional form of paganism is concerned….I think it’s not for me. What I wrote in my last blog, about divination – still seems valid but the more I think about it the more I wonder “well, if it really is just psychology then, how much more of it is just science.”

Man, I must sound really wishy-washy right now. And to be honest, I feel a bit wishy washy as it is. I mean, I truly felt it earlier tonight when I told you I felt so much purpose and meaning but then later when I laid down to sleep I just became washed over with doubt.

I tossed a lot of my old stuff – the altar tools and such.

I still hold a lot of the prinicpals of paganism…. the desire for a oneness with nature, respect for the earth, and such. But the ideas of gods, goddesses, and magic just don’t stick with me. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe in those things.

Maybe there is a spirit of nature, a literal spirit. I don’t know.

Man, I just feel like I have lost so much ground.

I want from 100% confident to massivley doubtful.

*sigh*

Plus my dad started to catch on. I could tell he was worried. So, a bit earlier I brought him into my room and explained that I had been curious about it, wanted it to be real, but just couldn’t believe in it.

Bah.

I was glad to ease his worry but for some reason it made mee feel like I had somehow failed myself. Was I lieing just to make him feel better? Part of the reason I tossed my stuff is because A) A really didn’t much believe in it and B) why keep it around if its something I don’t believe in and it could tear up my family.

but now… I’m back to the beginning. Running in circles. I love some of the principals of paganism, and it has ALWAYS enticed me but….. can I be a pagan if I don’t believe in magic (in the supernatural sense), gods and godesses, and so forth? If I just believe in oneness with the earth and respect for nature is that more New Age than Pagan? Is it really a spirituality or just some nice ideals to hold?

Well, I certainly believe in some of the principals, but, I don’t think I’m a 100% full fledged pagan.

blah. this sucks.

I threw away my pendulum that I just bought.

It did this wierd, creepy thing that made me feel really uneasy. When I was first looking at pendulums to buy, i would pick one up and of course, it would swing around from the movement of my hand and the momentum – then eventually stop. But the Jasper one I bought…. It snapped completely to center really quickly, like…I don’t know. Unnaturally so. I didn’t mention this because I was trying to just overlook it but it kept nagging at me. Then I thought, well, why keep it around if it makes me that uncomfertable.

the sucky part is that it was A) very beautiful and B) $4.25 down the drain.

you know what? Perhaps I might find all these things to be true, and if I come back to it fine. But for now, I guess i need to move a bit slower, and not end up forcing myself to believe things again.

Oh well. It really isn’t that big of a deal I guess. I’m just a bit dissapointed. :(

Divination

 

So lately I have been thinking a lot about the art of divination. For anybody who doesn’t know what divination is, its hard to find one set definition. Some view it as a way totell te future through contact with supernatural forces. Others view it as a form of self-psychology. From my research, it seems like there are really two kinds of divination

The first is what I call “outer Power” divination. This is where the practitioner inquires to supernatural forces for an answer or an insight into the future. Examples of this could be Tarot, Runecasting, and similar things.

The second type I tend to call “Subconcious divination”. This tends not to deal with any sort of supernatural power or spirit. It is a way for the subconcious mind to better connect with the concious mind. This type is a bit harder to explain. One example of this could be the reading of tea leaves. After brewing tea, the practitioner would look into the tea leaves at the bottom of the cup and let the random shapes begin to look like symbols. This is the exact same thing as looking at the clouds and thinking “Hey, that cloud looks like a bunny with a top-hat.” Granted, the cloud wasn’t made to look like that, your subconcious mind is placing the rabbit there for you to see. Here is an example of how this could work. Say, for example, I am having a problem with a co-worker. He/she is rude to me, and does not treat me with respect. In such a delicate situation, I might not be sure exactly what to do – I may have an idea but, the decision might be a tough one to make. So, what I might do is look at some tea leaves. Say in the tea leaves, my subconciouss mind saw a bird and a crocodile. In my life, birds have represented freedom, the ability to live in the way that one may want, and a carefree spirit. Crocodiles and alligators tend to represent someone who can’t be trusted; who sits at the waters edge and once you step into the water (put down your guard), attacks. This would tell me that my subconcious mind wants to be kind to this person, to pay them little attention and to continue my life. But also, that I shouldn’t be overly trusting because they might take advantage of my kindness. In any case, the symbols will more than likely mean differant things to differant people. This is just an example of what they mean to me.

One thing to note about this is that it isn’t foolproof. for example, it only tells you what you truly wish to do, not neccisarily if it will work or if it is the best course of action. But, humans wouldn’t have intuition if it wasn’t good for something, so once you have gotten in touch with your subconcious mind, you can add the logic of your concious mind to the mix and think “would this really work?”. And hey, if you think your intuition may be wrong, at least you have ruled out one possible course of action.

this could really be done with anything that one can see images in. Tea leaves, smoke, smoldering coals, clouds, moving water, leaf patterns in trees, and so forth.

I personally feel uneasy when it comes to “outer power” divination. firstly, because how can you be sure who you are communicating with? This could be a result of my Christian upbringing, the whole deuteronomy 18:10 thing. but then again, Christians in the old testament, and still today, use outer power divination. Apparently in the old testament, the high priests had two stones, the umman and the thumman I think they were called, that would glow depending on god’s answer (I’m still searching or this verse to verify whether or not it actually exists, so don’t quote me on it). one glowed for yes, the other for no. One could even consider prayer a form of divination – one expresses a need and performs a ritual to recieve an answer.  But still, I’m fearful to communicate with outer powers, and so I plan not to.

The whole idea is so fascinating. I think that subconcious divination is really more a form of self-therapy, than magic; a way of getting in touch with yourself.

much more research to attend to.

 

Ciao!

Blegch

Well, I’m sorry I didn’t have time to talk to you tonight, since I was rehearsing with my dad.
And I’m sorry I’m bummed all the time.

its just…oh I don’t know.

This is just what I have been feeling lately.

Its just this – everything.
from the moment you call it seems like you really would like to keep it as short as possible. I do my best to be interesting and funny but it just seems like you don’t even try to add anything. How interesting can I be to you if everything I say elicits one word responses and half hearted replies? I’m running out of ways to be interesting.
And, everything I do is wrong. I don’t know if your joking or if your serious, but if I tell you about something in my day you always find a way to tell me how I could have done better, and make me feel crappy for not doing it.

Why don’t you have a phone?
I can’t afford it.
Well, you could afford it a month ago, right mark?
Yes, well I can’t now.
Why not?
I just can’t!

Thats the only real example I can think of.

And it feels like you have lost every ounce of faith in me. It used to be that when I met an obstacle you made me feel like I could overcome it, that as long as I tried I would make it through. Now, whenever I accomplish something, either spiritually or as far as a job is concerned I just hear “hmm”.

I feel like I’m trying and trying to make this work and you are just waiting for the summer to end and then deal with it later. Maybe I’m wrong. In fact, I really hope I’m wrong. I’m sorry if I’m not seeing what your doing, or if I’m being way too sensitive about this whole thing.

And I have absolutely nothing in life. Don’t think that statement is all about our relationship, it goes out farther than that. I fucking despise school, and I’m pursuing a major that really I pretty much have to get my PhD in. And your right. What activism am I involved in? What the fuck am I living for? Am I just another blob that eats, drinks, sleeps, and eventually dies? What am I doing to become a truly accomplished individual? Does accomplished mean earning lots of money? fuck money. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it. Money is one of reason you tend to think of me as a child, it seems.

Part of me wants to abandon this miserable life and go somewhere else. I’m only ever happy when I’m asleep.
I hate being alone because every moment that I am I just want to fucking die. The night before leeann and I drove home from PUC I nearly hung myself in the closet. Just wrapped the sheet around my neck and the pole and pulled.

You know what I really admired about the joker in the New Batman movie? The pure emotion he had. I never have that. He might have been evil, but at every moment he felt…he felt. Every time I want to let loose and just swirl in a flurry of emotion something reminds me that I can’t.

I don’t know.

Everything is wrong.
Everything is entirely, wholly, completely wrong.

>:-(

Fucking television

Fucking computer

Fucking boring same old thing every day

Fucking HOUSE

I hate how they watch TV and it takes up the whole house.

“If you don’t like it then don’t watch it”

hah.

the mindless moving pictures are the least of my problems.

ITS THE FUCKING NOISE.

DEATH

to television.

All my mom and sister do is watch TV.

Sure, I have a few shows I like,
but holy cow.

I say “hey, lets do something different”
and they say “well, what else is there to do.

I’ve been forced to cut the power chord so that we would be forced to come up with ideas.

Seriously, I can’t even stand to hear it on anymore.

Sorry about how rude I was this past weekend.

Being up at PUC alone, especially Saturday, was the epitome of unchanneled mark-energy.
and I always get bitchy when that happens. course, thats not really any excuse.

and then today I literally wondered if my sister was going to have to go to the hospital, so the worry put me in a foul mood.

But we’re back!
And that’s behind me!

moving on to a fun, productive summer and a bright future.

*Taco flavor kisses for my caitlin*

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